Poor Me Control Drama: How to Respond
Mr. Fix It Story
A book came out a few years ago called Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. While I didn’t agree with all of Gray’s gender role descriptions, I did find his point about the “Mr. Fix It” response to be pretty enlightening and helpful, and so I want to share it here.
Gray describes a situation in which the wife tells the husband about her day. In doing so, she may report challenges she faced, difficult people she talked to, or other upsetting things that happened. The husband, hearing of these challenges, puts on his “Mr. Fix It” hat and attempts to give her advice and help her solve her problems. He wants to rescue her from all of her difficulties. However, rather than feel supported and loved, the wife gets upset with the husband for “not listening” to her.
Taking off the “Fix it” cap and Holding the Space
Gray suggests taking off the “Fix It” cap and just listening instead.
Just sit there, pay attention, and hear their words fully. It takes a lot of strength to hold that powerful muscle called the HUMAN TONGUE, but you must use this strength if you want to step out of a Poor Me drama.
Whether the “Poor Me” drama is coming from your wife, husband, friend, co-worker, allow him or her a few minutes to just throw whatever ails them out, without taking it in as yours. Think like Superman: imagine how the bullets bounced off of him. The best way to be a hero in this moment is to just allow the bullets, poison, and anything else that might get thrown out to just “bounce” off of you without reacting. Being strong enough to hold the space and your tongue is the kind of strength that will best serve the Poor Me Drama.
When You Respond to a Poor Me Control Drama:
Offer Compassion
“I hear your pain.”
“I can see that you’re struggling.”
“I agree that really stinks.”
“I care about you, and I hope things get better for you.”
In most cases, your friend just needs some space to vent and come to their own solutions, so offering a listening ear from a place of acceptance is always a good response. Stop to check in with your energy, fill up from Divine Security within, and pour forth positive energy to your friend in need.
I am trying to help, yes. But, what about the Yes-But?
If you believe you have information for your friend, it is important that you share your insight. Be sure that it is coming from a positive place before you share.
You’re ready to offer suggestions.
“Why don’t you…?”
“Have you tried this…?”
“How about… ?”
I can hear it now.
You continue to offer suggestions, and you continue to be met with another “yes-but” response. This pattern continues until you stop offering suggestions, and you very likely wind up frustrated with the outcome.
What happened?
Well, it is possible that your loved one was still stuck in their Poor Me drama and had not yet filled up their energy. In other words, your Mr. or Ms. “Fix It” cap came out too soon. With each of your suggestions, you were still trying to “fix” the issue for your Poor Me rather than giving them energy and seeking out his or her wisdom to solve the issue.
The way out of this particular game is to give the power back to the person with the problem. Continue to hold the space for them. Continue to pour energy into them. Ask for their highest wisdom rather than giving them your own.
You might ask a few questions, rather than give your answers to them:
“What do you need to solve this?”
“How can I be helpful to you with this problem?”
“What is your next step?”
“Would you like some ideas about your choices?”
In the event that they want ideas about choices, you can give your ideas as a list of choices that they can implement (or not). If they do not want your ideas, then remember that strong listening and pouring out energy is what builds healthy relationships.
We’re In This Together
My expertise comes from lots of practice with Control Dramas. We all want to think the Masters don’t engage in these games, but the truth is: they do, I do, and everyone has these issues at times. With practice, we improve by noticing more quickly when we’re falling into (or stuck in) the drama, and gain wisdom concerning how to step out. Be patient with yourself and your own growth process, knowing you’re in good company. We just keep working on getting better at authentic communication, healing the hurt spots, learning from the challenges, and trying to live our lives Holding the Celestine Vision.
Blessings to you in your journey!
Candella
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