Understanding Power Struggles In Relationships
Most of all, we seek power and control over other people — because of the energy and security it brings to us.
How it works: when in conversation with another person, especially those within a long-term relationship, people in a very real way join minds. Such a joining explains why people in relationships can “finish each others’ sentences,” or “think” to telephone each other at precisely the same time. Plus, a host of other phenomena occurs. Dr. Larry Dossey, a consciousness researcher, points some of these out in his latest book, One Mind. Dr. Dossey states that this joining of minds is possible because all humans are part of the one Divine Mind already, although we are not fully conscious of it. In actuality, this is what is missing in each of us: Connection with the Divine Mind.
Unfortunately, instead of seeking the experience of connection with the Divine Mind we call God, we seek just a piece of it by force. In this way, we tend to pursue gaining control over someone else.
This mistaken “need filling” plays out in all relationships by the way we communicate with each other; both people join minds automatically. We sense our consciousness expand as the others’ mind is added to ours. The truth of this effect is astounding. When we connect with another person, we get a boost in consciousness because the other person adds a little bit more of their Divine Mind to our own. We feel elevated, inspired, and filled with more clarity. Most importantly, we experience a deeper, Spiritual security.
Common Relationship Experiences
Think of the first blush of love in a romantic relationship. Both people feel exhilarated and euphoric, they want to give all their attention to the other. The key here is that during this process, both are voluntarily giving their mind to the other. They assume the idea that their partner is going to go along with all of their wishes and dreams for how the relationship (or conversation) should go.
Of course, that does not last. There arises a disagreement, and the good feelings are gone. Each one senses their boost from the joining of minds beginning to diminish, along with the feeling of energy, and inspiration. In response, each begins to manipulate one another to gain dominance and force the other to defer to their wishes. To which, a classic Control Drama ensues.
Contrast this with what is obviously the better way to maintain a relationship. Instead of relying on each other, to feel expanded, both parties should seek a real, experience-based connection with the larger Divine Mind itself. The Saints and teachers of all Spiritual traditions always ask us to know the presence within us, God, when we search for a solution.
Only by opening ourselves up to a larger, consciousness of living, do we reach optimal security and clarity. In this way, we also gain INTUITIVE knowing and a true calling to a mission in the world.
Once we find this more effective Spiritual connection, relationships can develop around true interests and compatibility, without the need to involve security. Disagreements are then freed up and resolved through compromise and a joint, Intuitive sense of which person should be displaying leadership in a moment.
Of course, we are just beginning to conceive and work towards a higher solution to the problem of Control Dramas and human conflict, in general. First, we must find a way to navigate through such issues in the most positive and conscious way possible. It begins with recognizing behaviors in others and ourselves, followed by dealing with them in the most effective manner — so both parties can move toward a more enlightened relationship.
The 4 Most Recognizable “Control Dramas”
Below you will see both an overview of the four, most recognizable Control Dramas — along with the loving way to stop these games, dead in their tracks. I’ve listed these manipulations in order, from the most passive style to the most aggressive. Do not forget, it is usually much easier to see these devices in others than to catch ourselves using them… I suggest that you be genuinely honest with yourself here.
1. The Poor Me “Control Drama” SEE MORE
The Poor Me is the most passive of all the Control Dramas. This style is designed to make the other person feel sorry for them using manipulation. It lures them in to connect or reconnect with the Poor Me in sympathy, which shifts the energy of the jointly connected minds into their control.
Here is how it works: The drama is designed to make you feel as if you did something wrong and were not “there” for them in their time of need. They may say something like, “You never called or checked on me when all these bad things were going on in my life.” Or, more boldly, “After all I have done for you, you let me down like this.” These guilt trips can suddenly throw you off balance and draw your attention and connection back to them. You then find yourself struggling to know if what they are saying is indeed the truth. When their game works completely, you deeply attach with them to try to make amends.
When this Control Drama develops, the Poor Me feels good but you, in turn, feel drained or weakened. You unknowingly allow them to seize control of the joint mind the two of you have created, luring you into a type of voluntary deferral to their dominance.
You know that this is a game because even if you think they might have a point and you try to comfort them, they never seem to interact authentically. They always carry an air of the one who has been wronged. No matter how attentive you are, they continually want more, and often repeat the game by naming yet another guilt-inducing accusation at you.
